


nostalgia

by That_Jett_Kid



Series: D.I.D Sander-Sides [5]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Nostalgia, Panic Attacks, Sanders Sides (Video Blogging RPF), Sensory Overload, did, kinda rambly, moving on 1/2, patton isn't doing so good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-08 23:35:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12264384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_Jett_Kid/pseuds/That_Jett_Kid
Summary: Angsty fic based off The latest sander sides vid: moving on 1/2 nostalgia.Patton wasn't dealing. But he had to be the good one, the happy one. So he wore a smile. He had to no matter how sad he got he had to be 'happy-go-lucky'. No matter how much he missed him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in half an hour so its not gonna be great.

Patton knocked on Virgil’s bedroom door, seemingly ever-present smile absent. The door creaked open and a disheveled looking Virgil glowered from behind his hair, honestly, he had just gotten to sleep, whatever Pat’ wanted better be good.

 

“Sorry to bug ‘ya kiddo but I was wondering if we could have a talk?”

 

Virgil blinked. “What’s this about.”

 

“Don’t worry, its nothing bad, I just wanna ask some questions.”

 

“Uhhh okay..” Virgil shuffled out of the doorway walking down into the commons area apparently his room gives the others bad vibes so they all tended to hang in the living room area of the inner world as opposed to each other's rooms. Flopping unceremoniously into his spot on the couch Virgil frowned as Pat’ sat down softly beside him without any of his usual enthusiasm.

“What’s up?”

 

“What happened to us?”

 

Virgil’s stomach lurched. “What?”

 

“Obviously something bad happened, and I-I know that you and Logan remember it. I need to know, I-I want to protect Thomas, all of you but shouldn’t I know what my purpose is and to know that don’t I need to know what happened?”

Patton’s voice was quiet, barely a whisper. He stared at his hand folded in his lap.

 

It was strange to think that despite Patton being an older alter, he was younger than Virgil really. And while the man held more information about being an adult, when it comes to things like this Virgil was wiser in so many different ways.

 

Virgil felt like he was going to throw up. No one could know.

“Its okay Pat’ you’re doing you’re job exactly as you should.” He spoke kindly ignoring the feelings of dread bubbling under his skin. “All you have to be is your happy go lucky self, that's all we need from you.”

 

Patton nodded swallowing down the lump in his throat.

“Happy-go-lucky. Got it.”

~~

It had not been a good day. It had not been a good week.

Roman had been obsessing with Thomas’s ex-boyfriend determined that they should get back together, of course, Logan and Virgil were against the idea, while Logan saw the reasoning behind wanting a significant other he personally didn’t see the point they were fine on their own, and Virgil was never a fan of being intimate with others. Thomas and Patton though, while they didn’t particularly think any of Romans plans so far should come into fruition they did look back on the times they had spent with the ex-flame and wonder what it would be like to get it back.

 

Patton was honestly taking it particularly hard this week if he was entirely truthful. Leo had never known about Thomas’s condition so, in a way without realizing it, the man had been dating all five of them. Although he hardly interacted with Logan or Virgil for long periods of time. Patton missed him, missed the things they used to share, missed the way he could laugh so easily around missed- well that was in the past now. There was no point in moping around! He had to be his happy-go-lucky self.

 

Wiping the tears from his eyes, he sat up on his bed in the inner world; his room was full of keep-sakes from their lives, awards, stuffed animals, diaries. Somehow it all became preserved down in the inner world, in his room. His picture frame played happy memories, and now it was one he wished it could forget- no he didn’t want to forget. He had loved him, you couldn’t forget love.

 

A deep breath in. A deep breath out. It was all going to be okay.

 

A smile plastered on his face he was surprised to be greeted by the other four, who was fronting?

 

“One of the fragments are fronting if that's what you're about to ask,” Logan said from his seat, nose in a book.

 

“Why aren’t you-“

 

“I’m paying attention but its fine, they’re doing exercise.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Okay how about we send him a dazzling bunch of flowers and in it, we’ll place multiple notes each one saying how much we love him-“

 

“Roman, no.” Virgil interrupted the almost manic alter who was pacing.

 

“It was a JOKE I swear!” His voice was higher pitched, jumping up another octave near the end of the sentence. _A lie_.

 

It was strange to see Roman so worked up, sure he was dramatic but out of all of the alters he was the most ‘normal’ whatever that truly meant.

 

Thomas frowned at Patton, “are you okay?” Patton started realizing he had let his smile drop; quickly he rushed to put it back on nodding. He didn’t say anything; he didn’t trust his voice not to break. He was fine this was all going to be fine.

 

“Okay, I’ve had enough of this. Roman, Thomas; I understand that you miss the bastard but it's been months.” Virgil frowned from his perch on the stairs. “Logan do something.”

 

“What do you expect me to do?”

 

“I don’t know. _Something_.”

 

“I believe this is good for them if they focus on the good things about the relationship they will then realize what good will come in the future, they just need time.”

 

“I don’t understand that.” Virgil leaned forward, it was no secret among the group that Virgil and Logan were a team, often turning to the other first when not understanding a concept.

 

“If we allow them the chance to think about the good times, they will be able to come to the conclusion that circumstances can improve.”

 

 _“”Can they though?””_ Virgil and Patton. All four eyes turned to Patton, pessimistic comments were common and expected from Virgil- but Patton?

 

The alter in question quickly realized his mistake, he wiped the look of his face glancing around the room with his large smile as if looking for the camera on school picture day. The others seemed to shrug it off. Logan was saying something about how far they had already come as a system- Patton wasn’t paying attention. His heart was beating too loud and his focus kept coking in and out. When things went less blurry he heard Thomas say something about his room. No, that was a bad idea.

 

“Uh I really don’t see why we’d all have to go into my room..”

 

“Well, you keep all the sentimental things do you not?” Logic stared at him, hos glasses doing nothing to block the intensity of his stare.

“Well I mean yeah-“

 

“And you want Thomas and Roman to feel better yes?”  


“O-Of course I do but-“

 

“Well then its decided.”

 

~~

When the group entered Patton’s room he was filled with dread. It seemed he wasn’t the only one. Virgil had protested greatly about going down memory lane and had his arms wrapped tightly around himself when he crossed the threshold.

 

But of course Pat’ couldn’t let them know anything was wrong. So he giggled and jumped about on the balls of his feet, if they had to be in here he would distract them with all the good things and their own feelings so no one could tell that his eyes were getting watery.

 

Virgil at first had been distracted by the plethora of their old diary’s and journals, he couldn't help but snort at Thomas’s old attempts at poetry. He was able to distract himself from the old toys, some of which were only seen at their neighbors house as a kid, he was able to ignore the picture frames of memories of childhood, he was able to- but then he wasn’t.

 

The room was filled with the smell of Christmas, everyone was talking, Roman was blowing on a recorder the lights were bright and everything was too much. It was all too much. He felt fuzzy out of focus, his breath was picking up and everything was too loud his skin felt too tight! He could feel every part of his skin every article of clothing on his body.

 

“Virgil are you okay?” He could hear Logan but it felt so far away, he shook his head. He wasn’t okay this wasn’t okay. The smell of Christmas involved _that_ smell. That Cologne that _he_ had always wore. It swirled with the smell of pine tree and cookies, creating a sickly cocktail and Virgil wasn’t okay he wasn’t okay. This room had so many memories but what else was here?

 

People were talking, Logan was talking incredibly fast everything swirled around his in a head-jerking blur.

 

Someone said his name. What was happening? He took some time to process what was being said.

 

“That's not going to happen is it Virgil?”

He had to focus to get his voice to work and when it did he felt like he was echoing like his voice was someone else’s. He slapped his hand over his mouth. God, what was happening to him?

 

Logan was yelling now, the others weren't paying attention suddenly it was quiet.

 

Patton felt tears tug at his eyes.

 

“Stop… Please, please just stop.”

 

The others turned to him. He couldn’t hold back the tears. Ugly sobs wracked at his chest draining his energy. “I-I-I’m sorry!” HE sunk to his knees. “I’m tying to be happy! I swear I am!” snot ran down his nose and his body felt as if it was made of lead.

 

God, he was such a screw up. He was supposed to be happy! _Why wasn’t he happy_?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt like i ended it kinda empty so I've decided to add this.

“Uh, you sure about that Pat?” Roman and Joan were working on scripts for the next few Sander Sides video and Patton decided to suggest a topic, the events of a few weeks ago.

_‘Yeah, I mean if it doesn’t work its fine but I feel like it would be a good message to give to everyone, that you can think back on things but you also gotta let yourself be sad.’_

 

Roman repeated this to Joan who hummed thoughtfully.

 

“Obviously we’d have to change some events to make it work with how we’re represented in the videos,” Roman mussed out loud.

 

Logan agreed, the whole ordeal had been chaotic and rather emotionally draining for everyone involved. The fact that he as well as Thomas and Roman witnessed Patton, the usually happy person have such an emotional breakdown was, interesting to say the least. Logan had never been good with emotions, he wasn’t supposed to, as a child, it was his job to not feel bad about what was happening he just received the words that would of upset Virgil or Thomas and he categorized them, dissected them until they meant nothing at all. But he had to do that less and less now, and now he was beginning to have to understand emotions, to understand the emotional reaction to actions. It was all rather strange.

 

Virgil, of course, took a few days to fully recover. He had been on high alert constantly switching with whoever was fronting at the slightest chance of danger.

 

Roman and Thomas had been reeling from the inner turmoil they had to haven facing after trying to keep Patton’s breakdown from getting too bad while at the same time having Virgil having an attack and possible flashback- he still refused to talk about the incident.

 

Yes, Logan while normally objecting to bringing too much of what actually happened to the group into the limelight had to agree that this exercise if anything would be cathartic for them, to create a play by play of what happened to and talk through it.

 

Virgil had no objections, only muttering for Roman to not talk so loud from his position on the couch, knees tucked into his chest.

 

Logan cast a worried glance at Virgil, the two of them were protectors but sometimes he wondered who protected them.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think.  
> hmu at my tumblr @That_jett_kid because I have a lot of emotions about the latest episode of sander sides and if you wanna rant about it with me please do!


End file.
